The Great Pretender

I mentioned on my Instagram that I’m taking a hiatus from writing due to my inability to stay away from being passive aggressive, but my world has just been too heavy lately.

The past few weeks I’ve felt as though someone was controlling what I do or say. I’d continue to push through my hobbies, find escape through television, or I’d spend hours on social media either fighting with close minded ignoramuses or showing off my latest endeavors. However, throughout it all, I’ve felt as though something has been off, and like the white girl I am, the first thing I did was check Mercury. To no avail, it didn’t move into retrograde until yesterday (June 17th). So it has to be something else.

Last night, I continued to dig deeper, which eventually led to telling my husband and some of my friends about my current state of mind. That alone helped immensely (thank you), but I still haven’t dug deep enough because it’s still so jumbled. However, I feel as though that task is better left with an outside source that isn’t entwined with my personal life. Which is why I’m considering getting a therapist as soon as the rules and regulations let up a little more. Colorado’s COVID cases are declining, but the state of society at the moment still leaves me uneasy.

I’d also like to point out that I realize that I have a certain privilege when it comes to having the ability to “look away.” However, my mental state isn’t just being affected by what’s going on in the world right now. I’m a full supporter of BLM and I do feel strongly for this particular movement. I’m also an LGBTQ+ ally, and I’ll always stand by anyone who feels as though they don’t have a voice, but right now, I really need to speak.

Over the past two years, I’ve been reflecting quite a bit (see: Reflections). I’ve told the internet that I’m here for anyone who needs to talk, and that I don’t mind being the person that other’s need to vent to. I pride myself on the fact that I’ve evolved so far and that I’m no longer the close minded brat I once was, but lately I just feel overwhelmed.

I wish I could come up with a list of current events that I could blame. I know quarantining affected so, so many but I was still a full-time all-online student. I also know how much protesting and fighting for justice that shouldn’t even be questioned can take out of a person, especially an empath (see: my mom). Now I’m not saying these don’t affect me, because on a certain level they do. Even while I’m dealing with my own personal issues, I do continue to keep pushing and sharing and fighting, but I can’t keep ignoring my brain.

The past few weeks have brought a lot of stress and turmoil on my family, but I feel as though their situation shouldn’t be written into words by someone who shouldn’t directly be involved. Generally speaking though, there’s been a lot of arguing and a lot of he said/she said discrepancies and it’s been screwing up our dynamic quite a bit. This could be the issue in my brain, but I’m really not at liberty to discuss it. Plus, since I continue to acknowledge it with my family, I don’t think this is solely what’s responsible.

Then, there’s the likelihood that with everything going on, I’m actually depressed. However, I don’t like to self-diagnose because I think people who do are attention-seekers. But, I do know that I have seasonal depression – just not during the summer. During the summer I usually thrive in the sunshine and the ability to not have to wear shoes or bundle up, but over the past month or so, the sunshine hasn’t been working.

Last summer I was reading non-stop and leaving my phone inside of my house. I was half-naked in bralettes and shorts, and I was generally having a great time. When school ends, I usually get my butt into gear with projects and summer parties, and I did! I cleaned out our guest rooms in 2 days and 24 trips up and down two flights. I’ve been working out, watching Friends, doing my 9000 piece puzzle, and acting like me again. But, underneath the surface. It’s still off.

Something is just missing.

It’s arguably everything combining into one has left my brain mush and I’m just becoming extraordinarily overwhelmed. Although, usually when I’m overwhelmed, I’m incapable of doing really anything and I usually shut everything down. From my social media accounts to the conversations I have with people around me. I close it all off and it eventually passes in a matter of a few days, but this state of mind has been going on for WEEKS.

WEEKS of putting on a facade and immediately responding to “Are y’all okay?” with “Everything’s fine.” WEEKS of focusing solely on whether we’re financially stable enough with everything going on, when in reality, financial stability isn’t what I needed to focus on. The world is run by money, but my mental health certainly isn’t.

Today, I vow to continue to keep being open and I vow to not necessarily shut down, but to try to dig deeper. I vow to continue to work towards being a mental health advocate while working on myself along the way. I can’t be an outlet if I’m not fully functional, so I also vow to actually acknowledge and work on moving towards where I want to be both mentally and physically.

I am Danielle’s anxiety: I will always be here, but I’m a part of her.

I am Danielle’s overwhelmed brain: I will always be here, but I can push through it.

I am Danielle’s ADD: I will always be here, but I can cope.

I am Danielle’s body dysmorphia: I will always be here, but I can work against it.

I am Danielle, the Great Pretender, and I’m now more capable of acknowledging it.

Thanks for reading.

One thought on “The Great Pretender

  1. Pingback: I’m Not Afraid – AllBee There For You

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