I’m Not Afraid

This time, let’s look away from the negativity and the phobias and disorders that are mentioned on this blog. This time, let’s focus on growth, it’s going to be a long one so be sure to grab some popcorn.

The other day I posted this tweet about all of the positivities in my life and deleted it after it got too much attention.

I’m really 23 and married with a whole house in CO, my own car, 12 pets, a multimedia art store, two blogs, an associates + (almost) two bachelors degrees, and good hair… lol literally WILD

D. AllBee

Now, I didn’t delete it because I’m ashamed of where I am or because of the attention, I just felt like I was lying.

It’s not as though I haven’t earned all of it, and it’s not like I’m not proud of where I’m at. My excitement has just always been met with unmatched enthusiasm for as long as I can remember. So, when I posted that tweet and I actually got positive feedback from friends and even strangers saying that I was “living the life” I just didn’t know how to act.

As someone who took it upon herself to broadcast my mental health quite a bit on social media after opening up about my dermatillomania (see: Living With Dermatillomania (1/2)), I’ve continued to tell myself that social media is just the surface. Underneath all of the positive posts and smiling selfies, there’s always going to be more. There’s more to it than just a photo, and while a photo is worth a thousand words, it’s just not enough.

While I may be open about as much as I’m comfortable with, I don’t document nearly as much as I said I would. I don’t post about my panic attacks. I don’t broadcast any time I’m crying over something menial. There aren’t crying selfies on any profile, blog posts, etc. and there’s certainly zero information about any “downs” in my relationship, there’s only the ups.

Two weeks ago in my post The Great Pretender, I said I was digging, and that I was going to find an outside source to help me decipher it all. Since then, I haven’t pushed to find the help I likely need. I’m still overwhelmed, but I’ve also been more in awe of where I am than anything.

I’m in awe of the fact that 15-year-old me wouldn’t believe me if I told her about my life now. That I’m actually graduating college in the fall with not one, but two majors. That I have a house in Colorado and (so far) 12 fur babies, and that I’m married to somebody who actually supports me no matter what. She especially wouldn’t believe that my hair is actually healthy for once either.

Frankly, 15-year-old me thought that she would still be in that little town in Texas dating guys that are way too old for her, with an apartment on the edge of town. She didn’t think she would go to college, or that she’d move 800 miles away from everything she knew.

Don’t get me wrong, I was happy, but when it came down to it, at 15, I wasn’t really expecting much apart from potentially moving to the city. I had friends, I loved band and my art classes, and I was probably the most confident I’ve ever been. There was just too much going on. The whole “YOLO” phase was for sure my key-mindset, so I didn’t really take the time to stop and think – I just lived my life how I wanted to with no regrets (what 15-year-old didn’t?).

Little did I know that after graduation in 2014, I’d end up dropping damn near everyone as a way to focus on me, ultimately leaving years of one-sided friendships and negativity behind.. except my mindset was still sort of similar to how it was a few years prior – close-minded. This time though, I was in a relationship with someone I would do anything for (my husband).

Then, 2015 was when the doors started to open, but I’m going to save that for another time and different post. Fast forward three years into 2018, and it quickly became another year of letting go. The year Do They Bring You Joy? started to go into full effect, and the year I decided that I wasn’t going to continue relationships that were built on negativity or the aforementioned unmatched enthusiasm. I was done. I was letting go of all of the anxiety and all of the condescending, backhanded compliments. To this day, I still am, I’m just a little more capable of not feeling guilty about it.

Now, with 2020 halfway over (yikes), I can honestly say – WHAT A LIFE!

I’m MARRIED, with a HOUSE in Colorado… a state with a high cost of living. We are, in fact, doing the damn thing, and I am so, so proud. And while I know that this might just be another high – whenever I get low again, I can look back on this blog and remember that I created who I am now. I chose to evolve from my past instead of dwell on it.

I’m not afraid to talk about my past or acknowledge who I used to be.

I’m not afraid to apologize and adjust my vocabulary when it comes to different subjects.

I’m not afraid to keep pushing to be the best possible person I can be.

Since I started AllBee There for You, I didn’t plan on it to primarily be focused on moments when I’m feeling down. When I said I was going to create a psychology-based blog, I said I would create a place where I can be transparent, while keeping my fictional/anniversary moments to my main. Over the past few months it’s helped so much. This outlet, along with my others, have been so beneficial for me in a way I can’t even explain. Sometimes it just feels good to lay it all out and watch it unfold.

If you’re reading this and find yourself in a really low place, I encourage you to keep pushing. Write it out in a journal. Make a private (or public) blog. Take a bubble bath. Create a list of things you’ve accomplished in your lifetime. Tell yourself in the mirror three things you like about yourself. Take a nap in a weighted blanket. Do whatever it takes to dig yourself out, and remember that my emails are always open if you have no one else to turn to.

AllBee signing off. 💗


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